I've been going to a school of some sort since I was 5. My first area of study ions ago at Bradley University was in diplomacy, international relations and cultural etiquette (dinosaurs were still roaming the earth then). I was lucky enough to get an academic and athletic scholarship to pay for my tuition (but not room and board). So, I had to sneak a job on the side to pay for living expenses and room and board (since scholarship athletes were not allowed to have a job -- their sport was considered "their job"). Anyway, that's a side note.
My intention back then was to become a U.S. diplomat. International politics was my passion. I grew up in a time when the Berlin wall was still standing. "We Are the World" was a theme song of my youth. The Soviets and the U.S. were in a power struggle and the possibility of a nuclear war loomed over our heads. My mother couldn't understand why I wanted to go "save the world" instead of saving our own poor people on Indian reservations at home. "There is much work to be done here," she would say. But I also felt that if a nuclear war happened, Native reservations wouldn't really matter anymore, now would they? For some reason, I felt at that time that I wanted to take on the bigger fish abroad. I wanted to be a representative for my country abroad and elsewhere -- to be a representative for Native people, as well, and bring recognition to their plight THAT way since our own government never seemed to care about us (the Natives of this land). I wanted the world to see that not ALL Americans are rich and spoiled -- that we, too, have our poor inner cities, and Native reservations that more closely resemble 3rd world nations. But as a young hopeful and dreamer of big dreams, I could not see at the time what my wise mother could see -- far away places just seemed more enticing to me. It was all National Geographic's fault with their colorful pictures of exotic places (I have every magazine that they ever printed -- they're all on disc now). She could see that many times, we can have a greater impact if we all concentrate on our own neighborhoods, as those are the places we know best. But I think I was just trying to get away -- from myself and from places of pain that existed more in my subconscious mind, at the time.
I look back at those times of naiveté and realize that my intentions were good. I was recognized at my school for my efforts with the model United Nations and was chosen by my school and the state of Illinois to study abroad for a year at the University of Budapest (Hungary). I was so very excited. My career was about to begin and my dreams of "saving the world" could unfold. Then my dear mother died. I left school to recuperate. I tried to get back on my feet, and returned to a different college in Massachusetts (University of Massachusetts) to study neuroscience and psychology. Then my sister was murdered 2 yrs. later. I was crushed. I was a broken soul for a while...wandering day-to-day and fighting just to get of bed in the morning. I looked to my first love -- music -- to pull me through. I married a beautiful man at a time that I should had not -- as I was still grieving many things in life...including the loss of my mother (and my father who I had not spoken to in years at that point). I was completely alone with no one to turn to. That marriage did not last, because depression took its toll. It is so sad how depression can ruin beautiful things. I did not yet know God, but He knew me. I believe He grieved for me as he watched me make bad decisions and hurt innocent people (like my ex-husband) who only wanted to love me...but I did not know how to be loved, at the time. I was so very lost and hurting deeply, even though people around me could not see it.
I once had a dream after my Great Grandma Chavis died. I was still a young girl. Jesus came to me with my Great Grandmother next to Him. His feet never touched the ground. He hovered in the air, which glowed around Him like the glow one sees from the magnificence of the rising sun. My sweet Grandmother looked so very happy and healthy. I had never felt so much love in my life...I didn't want to leave the light that bathed me in that dream. I didn't want to wake up...ever. When I did wake up, I remember feeling so blissful...then sad to see that it was only a "dream" and that I had to go back to reality. I never forgot that dream, because in fact looking back, I don't believe it was a "dream" at all. It was more of a vision, even though I was asleep. It was a seed put in my heart to save throughout my lifetime so I would someday come to know who my Father and Creator is. It wold be a dream that kept me returning to the questions of, "what if there really IS a God and his name is Jesus?"
I wasn't a Christian then. My Great Grandmother was a Christian, my parents professed to be Christians and I knew OF God and Jesus, but I didn't really know at that point, what it TRULY meant to be a Christian. I had seen and known many things in my family that were not very "Christian-like." I had been baptized at my Great Grandfather's church when I was younger than my son (who is 8), but I don't believe that really counted. Why? Well...because I didn't understand what was happening. All I knew was that I was getting a new dress and I was going to be immersed in some pool at a church and that a bunch of people were going to get really excited about it. Then, I'd get to go out to eat and have ice cream after. Exciting for a little girl? Sure. But truly a profession that I love Jesus and want my sins to be forgiven? Not so much.
So, I went through years of heartache, brokenness and depression. Life brought some REALLY tough events my way. Events and trauma from childhood that my mind had suppressed came back to me as an adult. For years my depression haunted me. The mind is a powerful, beautiful thing -- but can also be the root of one's downfall if filled with tragedy. It amazes me how the mind has the ability to lock certain traumatic events away until a person is old enough to handle the full impact of what has happened to them. A pattern of evolution? I think not. A pattern of intentional design by a magnificent Creator? More likely. The more I study anatomy and physiology for my current occupation, the more I can see it.
I was repeatedly molested as a child by 2 individuals. Both of these people were not strangers -- they were known by my family...trusted by all. But of course, no one in my immediate family knew I was being molested. My brain locked out these memories until my 20's -- when one day they VIVIDLY came rushing back. The shock and trauma put me in a psychiatric hospital for a week, as I could not stop crying or shaking for days on end. It was explained to me that this was a form of post traumatic stress disorder and my body and my mind were now releasing these memories into my conscious mind. As hard as it was to face, these events made me realize why I never felt like I fit in anywhere. I had always felt like my childhood had been taken away from me, but couldn't explain why. A friend once described me as a happy girl with very sad, soulful eyes. Somehow, he was the only one who could see the brokenness inside. But no one...not even me...knew the full depths and root of that sadness.
I searched for peace through Native Spirituality...through naturalism...through my music...through volunteerism...through education...through relationships with men...but I was always left unfulfilled. But I kept going back to that dream of Jesus I had as a child. Was it just a dream? I can still see His beautiful face. I still remember how I felt while I was with Him for that brief time, and somehow knowing...TRULY knowing... that my Great Grandmother was happy and in a better place. Since that dream, I have also had dreams of my mother and my sister -- both looking happy and healthy. They gave me hope.
Native people are known to have what we call "vision dreams." It is not uncommon for many of us (especially the women) to have dreams that are what one would consider "visions" of true life events to come, or dreams of events that will shape history . I often wonder if God gave different gifts to different cultures just as He gives different gifts to all individuals, simply because many Native women I have known seem to express this gift. Anyway -- dreams are powerful things. I believe most dreams are a way for the mind to release subconscious thought and deal with stress and even joy. However some, are gifts from God that allow us to see other things in life. Dreams also come to us when we are sleeping and at a time when our muscles are not being engaged by the somatic nervous system. This allows the body to rest and NOT run away when we see something that might in our dreams be scary. Imagine if you were to see an angel in REAL life...imagine the brilliance...the splendor,...yet the SHOCK of it...would you pee your pants in fear? Would you run away and miss the message? So dreams are a much better place for us to be visited, as our human reactions can sometimes cause us to miss the message. :) That's my theory, anyway. Not fact...just theory.
So what is the point of all of these ramblings on this page today about dreams, childhood trauma, depression, growing up, searching, brokenness and hope? I'll tell you. While I was going through those hard times I listed above, I was not a Christian. I knew I believed in A God, but it wasn't the Christian God. For a long time, I felt like the Christian God was a fairytale because of all the horrible things I saw around me while I was growing up. I felt like if there WAS a God, why would He allow all these things to happen (that's a post for another time...the details of that answer are too long for this entry). That question remained in my head for years. The short answer that for those who are Christians will understand but for those who are not will have to research, is that we live in a fallen world.
This is a world where Satan is allowed to roam and he looks to devour all who are unaware. It is currently Satan's domain until the Lord and His angels return to defeat Satan and his demons once and for all. He and his demons have been cast out of Heaven, but are not forbidden to roam the earth...at least FOR NOW. Does that mean that God is NOT in control? Absolutely not...but it does mean that He is preparing to return to make all things right again and Satan and all those who work for him tremble at the thought, for they know it will be the end of them. Yet Satan, the king and inventor of narcissism, believes he can defeat the King of King, the Lord of Lords and The Great I Am. So today, the small battles go on between good and evil...but the final battle is yet to come. A God of love does not force anyone to love Him but only gives us the opportunity to do so, because He loved us first. The bad things on earth happen because people choose to do them, not because God makes or lets them happen. God is our Creator, but He is not a puppeteer. There is a constant battle going on here. If we could see all of the angels and demons, we would probably all die from heart attacks from the fear and shock of it all.
As I look at the evil in the world today and see things happening around me that I never thought I would see, I am reminded of the scripture that showed up on my phone today (I have an app. that delivers new scriptures to me every morning)...and THIS is what I was reminded of today -- "...I will build my church and the gates of Hell will not overcome it." Matthew 16:18. This was so reassuring to me. God has not forgotten us -- even those how have yet to believe in Him. He loves ALL of His children and is working through those who already know Him, to plant the seeds to build His church. This is not a building, but a body of believers who will fight against evil and spread the love of Jesus.
As I struggled in my life with depression and brokenness, I knew there was light still in me somewhere. I faced my demons in Boston, MA and headed West to start fresh. It was in San Diego, CA that I met a beautiful real-life angel who showed me by example of the life she lived, that there is a God who loves me, and that His son died for me on the cross. Yes! That was the man I saw in my dream so many years ago! THAT was what LOVE felt like!!! I wanted to feel that again! I wanted to experience that again! I had to know more!
After studying the Bible with her, the faces of devout Christians who had prayed for me over the years came to my heart and mind so vividly -- some of them are now with God in Heaven, while some of them still live today. I saw my Grandma and Grand Daddy Chavis, Grandma Gladys, Grandma and Grandpa Martin, Uncle Roger and Aunt Shirley, The Brown Family, Mr. Kelly (my 5th grade teacher), Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop Spinner (the elderly couple that babysat me while my single mom worked), The Wilhoit Family -- these were ALL people who prayed for me so that some day I'd come to know Jesus...these were ALL seed planters along the way. There were many MORE people I never even met -- people who were friends of friends who were asked to pray for me. ALL of their prayers brought me to where I am today.
I was baptized in the Pacific Ocean in La Jolla, CA in 2003. I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was the happiest day of my life. When I went home that day, I remember how heightened my senses had become. I began seeing colors I had never seen before. My sense of smell was as if I was pregnant (pregnant ladies, you know what I am talking about...I was like a hound dog). Eventually my sight went back to normal, as did my sense of smell. This time, it wasn't just an act of me going under water, getting wet, and then going out to a special lunch as it was for me when I was a child. This time, the Holy Spirit entered me and I became a new person. This time I confessed with my mouth that "Jesus is Lord" and I asked for my many sins to be forgiven. This time, I was professing to live for Him. I then knew what people meant when they said they were "born again." I truly was given a new life and began to live my life differently. It is hard to explain in words...I could write about it forever and never explain the whole miracle of it all and how much it changed me for the better.
I tell you these things to give you hope, friends. When my mother was a young girl, she got really ill. She ran a hight fever, and then fell unconscious. They said her heart stopped and her pulse could no longer be felt. Friends, family and the doctor thought she was dead. My mother later told me that she was. Friends and family prayed for her continually. Have you heard of that movie "90 Minutes in Heaven?" It has happened to many people...many have similar stories...he is not the only one. My mother told me that she went to the gates, too during this time. She saw family members who had passed on...they welcomed her warmly. She felt an overwhelming sense of love. She was about to enter the gates and the next thing she knew, her eyes were open and she was in a bed with people from Grand-Daddy and Grandma's church surrounding her in prayer. It was not yet her time, but she was allowed to see the gates of which she did not enter. But sometimes even when we SEE the things the Bible tells us about with our own eyes, our faith can still waver. This is why God tells us that to be FAITHFUL without seeing is even more powerful and a blessing, than seeing. "Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed" (John 20-29).
Be faithful, my friends. Know that even with all the strife in the world, God is still in control. God might not take you out of a situation, but He will most certainly hold your hand and be with you to get you through it. Why? Because there is still work to do. This place is not your home...you are just passing through. Be encouraged. God bless you and yours. You are loved.
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